From Tiaras to Teething Rings: Taboo Topic #1: Who's down with PPD…I guess maybe ...

From Tiaras to Teething Rings: Taboo Topic #1: Who's down with PPD…I guess maybe ...: "So I have gone back and forth as to write about this. I know a blog is 'supposed' to be an online diary but some subjects still seem a littl..."

Taboo Topic #1: Who's down with PPD…I guess maybe me?

So I have gone back and forth as to write about this. I know a blog is "supposed" to be an online diary but some subjects still seem a little taboo, like this one…the dreaded post partum depression (ppd). ok, so it sorta makes me feel like a crazy person for even saying that I have been dealing with ppd. No, I am not a stage 5 Bay Bridge clinger but certainly past the "baby blues" stage. If I had to place myself in a stage, I would go with Stage 2 Cave Dweller. This stage stage includes wanting to crawl into a cave with my hubs and little guy stuffing my face full of chinese food and cupcakes. Its so funny that I have said this to a few people that I have had this and their reaction is "oh you are just adjusting to motherhood." No, I am not…well yes, I am…but my hormones are WAY more out of whack than just being a new mommy. I cant speak for everyone here but I have never really had hormonal issues until now. Somewhere in the six weeks after giving birth to the little senor, I had a few afternoons of crying while watching the Real Housewives of Somewhere…Really?!? I cried during a Bravo reality show. Oy! I should have known right there that something was wrong. I mean I love me some Bravo shows but usually they make me laugh and smile….not cry! But my strange mood appeared to be a-ok based on what I read online about post birth hormone fluctuation. It wasn't until a few weeks later when I was reading my little guy a book, "That's Not My Monster," and started crying that I knew something wasn't right. I mean it is really sad to go through the entire 8 pages of the book of why it wasnt my monster. Was it because the monster's paws were too rough or its nose was too blobby. I desperately needed to know was which one was my monster. My monster has the fluffy ears! So I am getting little off topic here, my roundabout point is that when you start bawling your eyes out reading a super cute book to your baby who is laughing, something isn't right. I called my hubs right away. Through my tears and muffled speech, I think he gathered that I was having some sort of ppd but was still safe to myself and the kiddo. So this is where I find this subject to be taboo. You shouldn't have to make it point to let someone know that you are not in post partum psychosis just some stage of depression. It seems that everyone assumes that if you are having any sort of ppd you are the Stage 5 Bay Bridge clinger which I am not. I was just somewhere else on the spectrum past Stage 1 Baby Blues and Stage 3 Couch Potato. Ok, so back to some sort of point. Being the sweet and solution oriented person my hubs is, he emailed over some ppd support groups in the area as well as suggesting that I go do something for me like acupressure to help relax. Wanting to get out of this funk asap, I emailed the support group and checked out two books from Day One. The Brook Sheild's "Down Came the Rain" book and Post Partum Depression for Dummies. Honestly?!?!? Post Partum for Dummies???? Great title…I think this was the humor relief I was needing and it looked like a fab resource. But seriously, they couldn't come up with a different title ?!?! I made an appointment for reflexology that day and started taking some Omega supplements to help stabilize my mood. Somewhere between taking the supplements, reflexology and talking to a few other new mommies dealing with ppd…there was a light at the end of the tunnel with a rainbow nearby. Yes, I still have days of crying over reading "The Hungry Caterpillar" and feeling irritated out of nowhere for no reason… but overall things are looking rosy colored. Woohoo!

What getting reflexology looks like these days. Insert baby on chest :)

Already has a mind of his own...

So I am sitting here laughing at myself as I think about this post. No, I wasn't "that" neurotic pregnant woman researching every last detail about what the best baby products were and "knowing" exactly what my baby was going to need…ok, so maybe I was a little neurotic. Nonetheless, I did my research and then ebay-ed and craiglisted away when I found the baby products I knew my baby was going to love. Ha! So today, I have been busy putting a list together of all the stuff I need to sell. Why you might ask? Well, my baby has a mind of his own. He simply didn't agree with the choices I had made for him. So lets start with a few prime examples:

1. Cloth diapering: Lets face it, diapers take years and years and years to decompose in the landfill. Since my hubs owns a green demolition and hauling business and is heavy into recycling and re-use, I felt that I needed to do my part of raising this little guy as green as possible and diapers were on the top of that list. After endless hours or reading and you-tubing the different options of cloth diapering, I decided on Grovia hybrid cloth diapering system. Figuring that I simply needed to commit to this, I bought an entire package that was to last the little man till he was potty trained complete with hemp liners and a diaper sprayer. Go figure two days after I start cloth diapering the kid breaks out into the most horrible diaper rash. After talking to the pediatrician, she said that his skin cannot handle the moisture and that this will be an ongoing issue. In essence, she was saying that I am doing my kid a disservice if I continue cloth diapering because he already has sensitive skin and eczema. Seriously?!?!? But it was in my eco-baby plan to cloth diaper….arghhh!!!!

2. Bottles: So who actually thinks that their baby will not take a bottle??? I certainly was not thinking it would be me. That sort of thing happens on such a rare occasion and I figured it was some sort of scare tactic on internet baby forums. Right??? I had such grand visions of my hubs being able to feed the little man. I was so committed to this idea I bought a bottle sterilizer, breast pump, bottle warmer for the car, a slew of glass Born Free bottles with silicone sleeves, etc. So do you want the good news or bad news first? I will go with the good news…I have a great package to sell someone that has a baby who is friends with bottles. The bad news…well I guess there really is no "bad" news. One lesson I learned about my dude is that he is more of a straight from the tap kinda guy so we have become more like the dynamic duo the past 5 months :)

3.Bedside co-sleeper: Yes, another one of my fabulous visions. I saw the dude sleeping in an extension of our bed in the acclaimed Arms Reach Mini Co-Sleeper. He would sleep right next to the hubs and I when we were snoozing at night. I could totally picture the little guy rustling around in the sleeper and my maternal ears would hear him and then I would simply roll over to the side where his sleeper was and roll him into bed with to feed him and then roll him back to his abode. Nice plan, right??? I thought so. Small problem…he didn't. So the very cute little co-sleeper has stayed attached to our bed and served as a fabulous basket for my water, tea, magazines, cell phone, lap top, etc. for the last few months. You know if it doesn't work for the babe, it makes a wonderful bed side table for new moms.

So I guess I have learned a very valuable lesson here: I should go back to my old ways of never planning. If I don't plan for anything, I can never be disappointed in the outcome. No good can ever come from planning…LOL!

Half Empty or Half Full

Today I was reading an article on Miranda Kerr, the supermodel married to Orlando Bloom, and how much she loves her less than 3 month old body post pregnancy. I would too, she looks AMAZING! She said that watching her diet, yoga and breastfeeding is the key…I do that and more…hmmmmm

So we all know that I have been struggling with post-preggers weight loss. Prior to having a baby, I assumed that women who were unable to lose the weight were simply not disciplined. Was I wrong or what?!?! I am "that" woman who is struggling to lose the weight. I feel like I had a head start since I gained almost 60 pounds and was on bed rest. I seriously thought that as soon as I jiggled my more to love self, the weight would fly off. Ha! I would say the first 45 came off pretty fast which was awesome because I realized I ankles again. I cant even tell you how many women told me that if I was breastfeeding the weight would melt off week after week…Not even! What these women forgot to tell me is that happens to about 50% of women. I don't happen to fall into that 50%…why would I be??? It would be too easy! For those of us in the "other" 50%, I guess our bodies decided it needed extra fat stores to produce milk. I beg to differ but I am not sure who to take the complaint up with. Lol! So currently in my weight loss arsenal is Baby Boot Camp, Yoga twice a week, daily walks downtown Walnut Creek and the elliptical machine.

I am learning to become more comfortable with the extra pounds I am sporting these days but its hard. For the past few months, I have been stuffing myself in my old clothes and honestly I looked like…well how my babe looks when he outgrows his clothes every week. I guess we are two peas from the same pod, suffering from the same affliction. After too many months of feeling like an extra large sausage in a very small blanket, I bought a few new pants and tanks that fit. So while it feels good that I have a few things that fit, its hard to look at the sizes. The pants are 4 sizes larger and the tops 2 to 3. So this is where life sometimes feels like one step forward and two steps back...

Paranoid Parent…Who me???

I have always thought other people were a little over anxious about what could be wrong with their baby. I mean really…what could possibly go wrong. When you look at the statistics, it simply doesn't seem possible for there to be something wrong ALL the time. So the kid sneezed, hiccuped, had watery eyes…Who cares?!? They will live, right?!? Well, I have continued with this thought process of how crazed other parents were until that fateful day when I became a mom…

I would say in general, I am a really positive person who looks at the world through rose colored glasses; however, when it comes to my baby I seem to make mountains out of mole hills. So I am learning that some of it is the doctors/nurses fault (yes, I said that), some of it is me being a paranoid parent and the some of it I grow out of every single day as I gain confidence in me and the kid. And yes, the kid is still breathing from the last time I checked 30 seconds ago :)

Ok, so here's a few examples of why I say sometimes "its the doctors and nurses fault:"

Example 1: Well, you all know that I had quite the birth story. So as soon as the little man was out of the womb and into the real world, I went into a tailspin. What if he wasn't healthy? What if he looked funky? What if, what if, what if...For the first time, it hit me…me and the hubs were now parental units. Holy guacamole! Who thought this was a good idea??? I didn't even know how to change a diaper and I am now a mom…OY!!! Any how, the first thing the nurses yell out about the little man is…he has 10 fingers and 10 toes…OK, we knew that from all the ultrasounds. But hey, the womb is a funny place, you never know if the little man decided to grow an extra toe in the last few weeks to be more like my brother. Yup! My brother has eleven toes…fancy huh?!? Well our little guy wasn't luck enough to have an 11th toe but he was quite the sight when he came out. The left side of his face was completely smushed up and wasn't moving as well as a cone head full of hair reminiscent of Marge Simpson. The nurses looked at the baby and then at the hubs and me and said "isn't he beautiful???" Ummmmm…I know this is where I am supposed to say yes and burst into happy tears…but did they seriously just say that??? Well within a minute or so, the little guy's face came to and the hubs said he was definitely a-ok by the time the umbilical cord was cut and he was weighed. OK, so speaking of weight he only weighed in at 6 lbs 7oz…Huh?!?! I put on like 60 pounds and that was all the little guy weighed. Seriously?!?1 I was quite convinced he would be at least the size of a decent butterball turkey…oh well! So about an hour later in the post op recovery room, I was attempting to nurse when a nurse came flying in asking if our little guy was the baby with paralysis his face…ummmm What paralysis??? Was there something else we didn't know??? Did she have to say it so nonchalantly??? I know nurses and docs deal with several babies a day but we as new parents have this one experience. So after much panic and tears…we were assured that all was good on the healthy baby front

Example 2: Once you have the baby and move into postpartum, it seems like there is always someone coming in to check your physical recovery, blood pressure and temperature. As soon as that is done and you are about to close your eyes for a little snooze, someone else comes in to check the babe's temperature, heart rate, amount he/she has eaten and the diaper count. So herein lies the "it's their fault I am paranoid." Nurses and doctors seem to always be concentrating particularly hard and take a long freaking time when they check the babe's heart rate. I think they monitor it for over a minute and while doing it they have silence in the room and furrow their brows. As a new parent, you are thinking it only takes them a mere moment to check mine, is the baby ok? The answer is generally yes. I guess newborns have irregular breathing and heart beating patterns and that is completely normal. It takes them about a minute to get a good idea of the pattern. So here is where I say it is their fault that I am paranoid. They don't tell you this…it was only after several doc appointments before the hubs asked and they told us this and we both let out a HUGE sigh of relief. I also learned at this same doctor appointment that babies tend to have have heart murmurs when they are first born and grow out of it within a couple months. WOW! So much to learn…

Well the last 4+ months have been nothing short of a fast learning curve for me. From learning the fastest way to get boogers out of my little guys nose (thanks NoseFrida), to combatting acid reflux and mastering the art of nursing…life has certainly changed from a year ago…next up teething…

Hitting Pause and Taking it All In

Every day begins with hustle and bustle at the Crownholm household. The hubs gets up WAY early to work on the computer usually right at the same time when I am finally taking in some much needed REM sleep. Once I do get up a couple hours later…it seems that in a flash the day is gone. From taking a quick morning shower, to putting check marks on the To-Do list, nursing the man, going to a parenting class, cooking and cleaning, etc…there doesn't appear to be too much extra time in the day to spare. I used to wonder what stay at home moms did all day…lets just say I don't wonder any more. In fact, I wonder how I could work a 40 hour work week from home and still get everything done and be sane. The hubs always reminds me that something always has to give. Sometimes its the home cooked food and other times its simply prioritizing the to do list. Either way, lately it seems that I have lacked time to hit pause for a moment and reflect on all the blessings I have. I was reminded to do this just a few minutes ago after reading some overdue emails. It seems that in the last week, I know of several amazing people that are or have dealt with some serious illnesses in their families and were simply asking for some thoughts and prayers during their difficult time. It seems that all in an instant, life seems so much clearer. Life is short. Life is a blessing and I have so much to be thankful for. So to all my family and friends, I am thinking of you all now and thinking how grateful I am for each and every one of you. So if you get a chance, take a minute today to hit pause today and reflect on all of life's blessings.

Just when I thought I had a plan...

Its so funny how life can have a totally different plan than the one that I had for myself. Never in a million years did I imagine being a stay at home mom. For all of you that now me, domesticated is not exactly synonymous with my name. I have always loved working and growing professionally especially as of late when I was working for a family foundation. My entire life, I always thought that I would get married, get pregnant, have a fabulous/glowing pregnancy, have the baby and return to work 12 weeks later. HA! I am honestly laughing out loud as I write this post. This is so not what happened…well the first two parts are true. I did marry my best friend and we did get pregnant. Easy pregnancy…I think not! Fabulous and glowing pregnant woman…I beg to differ. I did gain an obscene amount of weight while eating like a rabbit but we did give birth to our healthy, precious baby boy. Return to work…NOPE! In all seriousness, I did try to and there were so many forces working against me that we decided that it was meant to be that I stop working and hang with the little man who laughs at the face bottles. You are thinking to yourself that this would be awesome…right??? Not in the least bit. I love having him with me all the time but since he eats on demand it makes it quite difficult to enjoy a nice big glass of wine or go out to dinner with the hubs. One day….

Not working has brought on a totally new set of adjustments…I don't think I have ever thought about not working. So when it happened all of a sudden, I went through an identity crisis. Kind of like the same one I went through when I officially changed my name after I got married. Its strange. With the name change, I'm the same person on the inside with a new id on the outside. Now, I am the same person on the inside and outside with a new job title, Director of Daily Operations at the Crownholm Household. Yes, it's a self appointed position and title, but I really needed some sort of job with a description to make me feel proud of myself at the end of the day/week/month. When you are working, every time your boss tells you "good job" or a project is finished on time, you feel a sense accomplishment. Being a stay at home mom, you don't get that. Nobody tells me how wonderful your laundry folding is or that you vacuum with such finesse. Nursing your kid also seems to pose the same problem, although I will say that as of late the little man smiles at me after every feed or gives me a pat on the chest. I take that as it was a good feed or job well done mom :)

Even yesterday, the hubs, the babe and I went to a Sign Language class at Day One. Now, I frequent Day One frequently….do I really need to say that I go there almost every single day for a class of some sort. Now, you would think that another weekend class would be a piece of cake. Not even! We get there early, sign in, feed, diaper change, weigh the man and sit down at our seats. Everything appeared to going well and we were the first people there. As the class filled up and the instructor began, the little mister decided he would rather us not learn sign language to communicate with him. He promptly directed me to the room outside the classroom where there were rocking recliners. He was thinking that at noon he would prefer to eat and take a siesta. So we left 30 minutes later with a book on sign language and left to our own devices to learn how to sign properly.

So, I guess the moral of the this story is that just when I think I have made a plan for myself, life or something like it has a whole other one. Such is life!